A Year of Firsts

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of our sweet Maddie's arrival into her Heavenly Father's presence. For about the last month I have anticipated this day to come and fervently prayed and have had a prayer in my heart that I would have peace and comfort during this time. I can say that I have been blessed, although the day isn't here yet, I have peace in my heart. This past year has been full of firsts for us without Maddie, some were more easily dealt with and some were alot harder. The ones that stick out in my mind that have been the hardest were Thanksgiving as it landed on the 27th of November marking 4 months, her birthday December 18 as I felt saddened by the fact that all I could do for her (or maybe me) was to give her new fake flowers along with 2 little balloons in her vase on her headstone, Christmas, Drake's birth, Easter as I envisioned her hunting for eggs, the homecoming of Brittney and how she was going to be able to say her name and know her because we would look at her picture everyday, and then now. Deep breath. I have found myself taking a deep breath subconsciously every time I would think about July 27, 2008. My body is telling me to calm itself and to go onto a different subject. Alot of soul searching has taken place of who I really am and who I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing and how. What my goals are and what really is stored for me in this lifetime. And I know I have been able to cope and hold my head up because it all goes back to, and I know I have said this in many many of my posts, the knowledge I have of my testimony of the Plan of Salvation and my grasp on Families are Forever.

The support of so many family members, friends and prayers have helped us immensely as well. Thankyou to all that have expressed your love for us and for Maddie, we will never be able to thankyou all. We have already gotten so many cards of love, thankyou. We miss Madison so much, I'm not going to lie, it makes me sick we have even been able to go on a whole year without her but at the same time I am a believer that time heals. Feelings are still pretty raw maybe even medium rare, which is progress. Well done will be our reuniting with her again, so my goal is medium-well. (Do you like the steak analogy? :) You get the point.

It has been wonderful having my family in town with us during this time. July 27, 2008 is a day I would absolutely like to forget. The trauma haunts me, so the plan... to keep busy. Like I said it has been my medicine for the last month and so far it has worked. So we are going to SeaWorld all day, sounds like a great plan to me. Then on Wednesday I fly out to see Jordan's family and spend sometime with them and the beach with my family. Can't wait.

Madison Marie has a place in my heart that burns with love. I love that little girl so much words cannot describe. I miss her, I love her, I am happy for her, I can't wait to see her again. I can just say I am thankful for video cameras and cameras, I cherish every photo I have of her. I am thankful for Jordan and his support for me, talk about a rock, my rock. I am thankful for Drake, what a huge blessing he has been these last 5 months. I am thankful for family and friends. I am most of all thankful for a God that I can talk to and get answers from, there is absolutely no way I could ever have done this alone. So for now I am going forward, trying to keep my head high, I know that is what Maddie would want. There is no denial about it, just moving forward with optimism.

I love you Madison Marie.