19 months and 8 days

When Maddie passed away we had one more package of #5 diapers left and have been kept in what is now Drake's closet ever since waiting for Drake to be big enough to wear them. He is now big enough to wear them as of a week ago. Anxious, curious, sad, excited, worried, are the words to describe how I have been feeling lately. Drake will be 19 months and 8 days in a couple of days which is the exact age Maddie was when she passed away. It is mind boggling that we are already at this point. Sometimes Maddie's passing seems like yesterday and yet sometimes it does feel like it has been over 2 years as memories fade. I hate that part. I wish I wrote more down. I wish I could remember every detail of her, but it's hard. I am so glad I have Drake to remind me of what size she was and how their laughs are the same, even alot of their personality traits. I think I am anxious because I don't know anything about raising children passed the age of 19 months and 8 days, not that I think it will be harder than any other age but also that it's hard to believe I will have Drake passed this age. Which again is bad to think, but I think it is part of my natural man because of the experiences we went through. I am excited to see what our future brings with Drake, so excited. Many of my friends here have been asking how I have been feeling and I am so grateful for them, for their genuine care for me. They new Maddie so well and it touches me when they remember her. I am doing well for those that are wondering the same thing, just a little anxious like I said before. I find myself looking in on Drake more often when he is sleeping, I don't know why I have it in my head but my biggest fear is to go in and look on him and he is not breathing. I hate that. I am going on day to day with my life trying to be positive. One thing I do know is that God gave me Drake and that is all I need to know, the rest is left to him. I am to enjoy him everyday to the fullest and that is what I am going to do! I hope it is forever in this earthly life, but one thing I do know is that he is ours forever in the eternity's as well. I am excited for what the future brings. I can't wait to see what 20 months is like, then 2 years, then to see him go to preschool, and start talking alot more...ect. I can't wait. I am doing well. I think this is our last big hurdle to get through. We had our year of firsts: first holidays, first time with Drake when he was born, first everything without Maddie, then we had the second year without memories of the year before with Maddie, and now we have this...her being the same age as Drake is. I am forever reminded of Maddie and my most vivid memories of her are obviously at the age she passed away and I can't wait for those same memories with Drake.